The Source of the ANTs (for Exile)

A few months ago, I posted about ANTs (automatic negative thoughts), in part to help myself work through some pre-publication fears, but also because I thought some people might find the information helpful.

As those who follow my blog or social media regularly are aware, the publication in question was Exile, which released on May 24. While the ANTs have been mostly squashed by now, I’m still surprised by the amount of positive feedback the book has received. And it took me thinking over the book’s pre-publication history to uncover why I’m feeling this way—and why I had ANTs this time around when I didn’t with my previous books.

For those who don’t know the whole story, I came up with the premise for Exile a number of years ago, but after struggling with a long bout of not finishing any project I started, I was afraid to begin writing this one. I loved the idea so much that I feared I’d start it and never finish it… And this idea deserved to be written in its entirety. I knew it was good. But I stalled and hesitated until the nagging in the back of my mind became an insistent roar.

At that point, I said, “Okay, fine, I’ll write it.” And seven weeks later, I had the first draft of Exile finished.

I worked through my preliminary edits in 2019 and started working on the second book, Guardian. While I progressed through writing the series, I started querying Exile to agents.

Querying can be a tedious, time-consuming process with little or nothing to show for it. And for those who have been there, you understand when I say it can also be soul-crushing. I don’t know how many queries I sent out, tailoring each letter to the specific agent’s requirements, then hoping for the best. I think 90% never replied.

Of those who did, many were generic responses of “Thanks, but I can’t take on this project right now.” A handful had positive feedback, but for one reason or another, they didn’t want to (or couldn’t) take my book on. And then there were a few that were absolutely gutting. I will never forget the agent who said, “I’m just not in love with your project. Good luck finding someone to take it.”

I don’t think it was meant to be cutting, but in my edgy state, those words hurt. And they have stuck in the back of my mind since the day I received that response.

Which brings me back to the ANTs. With my other published books, I never bothered to query them for one reason or another. But with Exile, I really, truly believed it had a shot at catching the eye of an agent and later, a big-name publisher. And that’s why I chose to go through that terrifying process which did little for my morale other than make me question why I even continued to write.

(Answer: If I don’t write, the characters in my head don’t let me sleep. So, I keep at it. For my sanity’s sake.)

I think the fact that I spent the better part of 3 years querying Exile is ultimately the source of the ANTs I had a few months ago. If the agents weren’t interested, why would anyone else be?

Yes, my beta readers loved the story. Yes, my editor also loved the story. But did that make me think it was good enough for the rest of the world? No.

It took me republishing The Relics of War series before I began to entertain the idea of indie-publishing Exile. When I started to get feedback from people I didn’t know, and they actually liked my books, it gave me a boost of confidence. And that led me to the decision to publish Exile (and its subsequent books.)

Confidence aside, I still battled those ANTs right up until the day I started getting feedback from the ARC team. Well, okay, maybe it went on a little longer than that. I’ve never had much self-esteem, and putting my writing out there has been both the scariest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

But I think now that I understand the source of those ANTs, they might be gone for good. At least when it comes to this series.